The Homonculi Go Golfing
by Moonflower36
Summary: <html><head></head>The Homonculi are sooooo  stressed over thier evil plans that they decide they need a break. Where do the go they go...? GOLFING. WARNING: MAJOR OOC! Rated T  for some language.</html>
1. Chapter 1

Hello my name is Moonflower36. This is my first story, so please no flaming! The characters will be out of character and you may laugh your guts out. You have been warned!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.**

**P.S- Sloth is not in this story. Sorry. **

**And our story starts….**

"Father, are you sure you want to ride in your own cart?" Wrath asked.

"Yes. I am perfectly safe- I mean _fine, _in my own cart," he asked.

"Can we get going?" Lust demanded in the second seat.

"Fine," Wrath said with a small whine.

Envy was a bit skeptical about his driving. He clutched the side and requested, "Take it slow, please."

FIVE MINUTES LATER

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Wrath called, flailing his sword in the air while going 80 miles and hour.

"I SAID TAKE IT SLOW DAMMIT!" Envy cried while clutching the side of the cart for dear life.

"Don't tell me how to drive!" Wrath barked.

"When am _I _going to drive?" Pride asked from the backseat. Poor Pride was strapped down in one of those stupid kiddy seats.

"Never, you're too young!" Wrath reprimanded, being all 'fatherly'.

Pride thought that was unfair, since he _was _the first Homonculus. He turned his head to Gluttony, who was sitting next to him. "Hey, can you eat my seat?"

"No, it's too weird," he whispered.

Then, he went back to snacking on his garbage can, which, yes, was filled with garbage.

Wrath suddenly ran over a HUGE bump. There was a loud crash on the roof of the small vehicle. It was Greed, or Greedling, strapped to the top of the cart.

"Watch it, Wrath! Why can't I sit in the cart?"

"'Cause you're a newbie. And newbies sit on the roof," Wrath said with a small laugh.

Lust was confused. "How come you're so out-of-character all of a sudden?"

"Because I'm on vacation and not so stressed over running Amestr- ah, crap!"

"What?" Envy cried, almost falling out as Wrath made a sharp turn.

"I left the country in charge of the Flame Colonel, and I just got a vision of what he can do to a country in a week," he groaned.

The other five Homunculi took a minute to picture what it would look like. I cannot tell you what they saw exactly, because it will scar you for life and will ruin our rating.

HOLE ONE

After swinging (and missing) five strokes, Wrath took out his sword and cut the ball in half.

"Five and a half," Father said, keeping score.

Envy was next. He shape-shifted himself into a club. Unfortunately, he used his head to hit the ball and had to do it three times.

Lust simply hit the ball and got in two strokes.

Gluttony tried to eat his club.

Pride wouldn't play until he could ride out of the kiddy seat.

And Greed got a hole in one.

"Not bad for new meat," he said, smirking at his 'siblings'.

"Meat?" Gluttony asked, suddenly very interested.

BACK IN THE CART

This time, it was Lust's turn to drive. Of course, someone had to complain.

"Speed up, Lust! We'll never get to hole two at this rate!" Envy complained. "My grandma drives faster than you!"

"You don't have a grandma!" Lust replied.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2, more golfing accidents, more jokes, and that's only when Envy drives. Warning: Your guts may fall out from laughing too much. Enjoy!**

**BACK IN THE CART**

"I know what to do! Let's play I Spy," Wrath said, all proud. "I Spy something green."

"Envy?" Gluttony said. Envy shot him a death glare, which showed he was not amused.

"No!"

"Tree?" Lust suggested, all bored.

"Yes! Okay, something tall." Wrath challenged.

"Tree," Greed said, still strapped to the roof, half-asleep.

"Yes. Something thin."

Pride sighed. "Tree. And let me guess the next one! _Tree!" _he said, getting mega-pissed at Wrath. A homunculi can only stand so much of I Spy.

"That's creepy," Wrath replied.

Lust smirked. "Says the guy with the eye patch," she sneered. "We're here!"

HOLE 2

"I WON'T PLAY UNLESS I GET TO DRIVE!" Pride screamed, all mad.

Wrath finally gave in. "Fine. After Envy's turn."

Envy grinned and fantasized himself driving.

"When can _I _drive?" Gluttony asked.

"Never! You're too, how should I say this… STUPID!" Wrath said.

BACK IN THE CART

"ENVY! SLOW DOWN, YOU GENDERLESS PALMTREE!" Greed requested, while holding onto the top of the cart for dear life. Even though he wouldn't die, it would hurt a lot. Like, _a lot. _Trust me on this.

"Shut up! I'm pretending that pipsqueak is running from me! Ha! I just ran over his puny head!" Envy cried with glee. Why did the homunculi let him drive again?

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked.

"Oh, so you'll eat a person, a living thing, but not my stupid seat, an _inanimate object?" _Pride complained, seeing this as very unfair.

Gluttony nodded. "Yeah, it's like my thing," he replied.

"Whatevs," Pride said, making a 'W' with his fingers.

"Will you two stop fighting?" Wrath asked. "Oh my god, it's like I'm his _real _father!"

"Awkward!" Greed cried from the top.

Envy snarled. "Everybody shut up! I'm trying to kill Colonel Bastard!" he demanded.

"You mean Mustang?" Lust asked.

"YES!"

"How come you get all the fun?"

HOLE 3

Envy had no luck on this hole, so he transformed into his true form, (the big green monster) picked up the ball with his mouth, and put it in the hole. Unfortunately, two unlucky by-standers saw this and passed out.

**IN THE CART (AGAIN)**

"Okay, Pride. Get up on my lap so you can steer," Wrath said.

"Why can't I push the pedal?"

Wrath chuckled. "Because you're too short, like Edward."

"Can I drive next?" Gluttony asked again.

"If you promise not to eat the wheel," Envy grumbled. He really missed driving.

"Can I start it now?" Pride whined, impatient.

"No, you're too young. You're only going to steer." Wrath declared.

Pride frowned. He was getting really tired of this. "No! I'm older than _all of you! _I'm the _first freaking homunculi!"_

HOLE 4

"What's the score?" Lust asked Father.

"Envy-33, Lust-10, Pride-16, Greed-17, Wrath- 25 ½, Gluttony-80," Father said. He didn't want to play, so he was keeping score.

"Yes! I'm kicking all of your asses!" Lust cried. She likes winning, especially when she's beating her 'siblings'.

"Don't get so excited. We still have six more holes," Father reminded.

"Oh, good. Six more opportunities to kick your asses!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this is up so late. I had writer's block. Warning: do not drink anything and read this chapter at the same time. I am not responsible for any damage done if you do not heed this warning.**

"If I hit anything, can I eat it, Lust?" Gluttony asked.

"No. It's called road kill. Don't eat it."

"Okay, since this is your first time driving… anything, all you have to do is step on the pedal and turn the wheel," Wrath instructed.

FIVE SECONDS LATER

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Wrath yelled while Gluttony steered the cart left and right and left and right, all over the road.

Lust was really regretting letting him drive. "We can't die! We're homunculi! We have Philosopher's Stones!" she screamed, trying to be smart.

"Yeah, that explains how Roy was able to kill you," Envy said, all smart-ass, not smart. There is a HUGE difference.

"Ouch!" Pride said, to the dislike of Lust.

HOLE FOUR

"FOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE!" Lust cried.

She hit it, it bounced off a tree, a log, the cart, and hit Greed in the groin.

"Sorry," she said.

Pride shook his head. "Today is just _not _his day, isn't it?"

"No," Father agreed. "You know, he was never the lucky child. First, Lust continually poked his core until he almost died, then, Sloth sat on him for six days, and then, he was melted in a pot of lava, and now this."

"What else can happen?" Envy asked.

"Don't ever say that!" Greed demanded. "You just freaking jinxed me!"

An eagle flew by and pooped on his head.

"Yup, he's jinxed," Lust nonchalantly confirmed.

"And we're letting him drive?" Envy asked.

"Yup," Lust said.

GUESS WHERE?

"Okay, Greed. Keep it slow or I'll kick your ass again," Wrath warned.

"Whatever," Greed said. "Oh, wait! I want everyone on the roof, _now_!"

"Why?" Pride asked.

"'Cause if I wasn't Greed, I'd be Revenge," Greed said with a smile. Correction, an _evil _smile.

Gluttony was totally fine with it. "Ok," he said.

"No! Not you! If you go up there, we'll all die under your weight!" Greed said.

"For the hundredth time: We. Can't. Die!" Lust said all annoyed.

Greed sighed. "I'm not used to this! Now, we're not moving to everyone (except Gluttony) is on the roof!" Greed commanded.

"Do I not have to sit in the kiddy seat if I do?" Pride asked.

"Oh no, you're not getting out of that so easily!" Wrath said. "Envy, move his seat to the roof."

"Why don't you do it, old man?" Envy replied.

"GET ON THE ROOF NOW OR I WILL STAB YOU ALL IN THE CORE!" Greed freaked out, getting impatient.

"Yes, Mr. Greed," everyone except Wrath said.

"That's more like it," Greed smiled.

SURE, THEY LET GREED DRIVE. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

"I'M GONNA PEE MY PANTS!" Wrath yelled.

Greed was taking the cart over every bump, taking every turn, and stop at random moments. Oh, and did we mention he was exceeding the speed limit?

"Quit it Greed! I'm going to fall off!" Envy yelled.

At that moment, Greed stopped short. "What was that? I couldn't hear you over my AWESOMENESS!"

The next thing Greed saw was an Envy pancake.


	4. Chapter 4

In this chapter, Wrath and Father learn of the perils of the 'that's-what's-she-said' joke, while Envy learns of family car, er, golf cart singing. Sorry for the delay, I was at sleep-away camp.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or the two songs sung in here.

"Aww, man. We're out of balls," Wrath groaned.

Greed chuckled. "That's what she said."

Everyone except for Wrath and Father started laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Lust replied, laughing.

Then, Envy started talking to himself.

"If I transform into a golf ball, I can have some fun," he muttered with an evil grin.

FIVE SECONDS LATER, ENVY'S A GOLF BALL

"Hey, Wrath. There's a ball," Father pointed out. He and Wrath were the only ones oblivious to the joke. As everyone once again cracked up, Wrath walked up to the Envy-ball.

Everytime Wrath tried to hit the ball a.k.a Envy, it moved out of the way. After a while, Wrath figured it out.

"Dad, make them stop!" he whined.

"Go argue with your sister," Father said, annoyed.

"Okay," Lust said.

"Not now! Make them stop!" Wrath freaked out.

"You're the one with the sword, you do it!" Father replied.

Meanwhile, Gluttony was trying to figure out how Envy got so tiny. Like Ed.

Pride took this opportunity to throw his seat in the water hazard. "Oh, no! What will I do without my seat?"

"It's okay, Pride. I brought another one," Wrath said with a smirk.

"OH, COME ON!" Pride said.

GUESS WHO GETS TO DRIVE NEXT?

"My turn!" Wrath said.

Envy paled. "I will do ANYTHING if you let me walk."

"No, when I drive, everyone will be here."

"Oh, Envy," Lust smirked. "I know what will cheer you up." She started singing Blow by Ke$ha. And, she was a pretty good singer.

"_Back door cracked  
>We don't need a key<br>We get in for free  
>No VIP sleaze<em>

_Drink that Kool-Aid  
>Follow my lead<br>Now you're one of us  
>You're coming with me."<em>

Then, one by one, the other homunculi joined in, (except Envy, who was giving everyone a look of pure horror)

"_This place about to blow  
>Blow<br>This place about to blow  
>Blow<br>This place about to blow  
>Blow<br>This place about to blow  
>Blow<br>This place about to"_

As they all sang, Envy crossed his arms, silently vowing not to sing with his family, EVER.

"Come on, Envy! Sing!" Lust commanded. As Envy refused, she tried again. "Well, what about this…"

"_Last Friday night  
>Yeah we danced on tabletops<br>and we took too many shots  
>Think we kissed but I forgot<br>Last Friday night" _

Everyone but Envy sang the new song. (It's scary how they knew all the lyrics to 21st century pop music.)

"No," Envy said.

"Party pooper!" Greed accused.

Envy rolled his eyes. "Who cares? THANK GOD WE'RE HERE." He yelled as he scrambled from the cart.

**HOLE SIX**

Lust told Father that Envy refused to participate in the singing. He was not happy.

"Envy, you should've sung. Now, Lust is going to get back at you," Father warned.

Envy snorted. "Yeah, right."

"I will, because if I wasn't Lust, I'd be Revenge," Lust threatened.

"THAT'S MY LINE!" Greed shouted while he was swinging his golf club. It flew out of his hands and hit Envy in the stomach.

Lust smiled. "See?"

"T-that wasn't y-you," Envy said, in between gasps for air while clutching his poor stomach.

"You don't know that, Palmtree." She was lucky Envy was too incapacitated to fight back.

Wrath whispered to Pride, "You don't mess Aunt Lust."


	5. Chapter 5

"This time, try to go more than five miles an hour," Envy commanded.

"Okay," Lust said, smiling.

So they started driving along, la la la la, and they find a dead squirrel in the road. So Gluttony had a freak-out.

"Please please _please _can I eat it?" he cried.

Remembering what she told him a few holes ago, Lust rolled her eyes. "No you don't eat road kill, remember?"

So they were driving along again, with surprisingly no complaints from ANYONE, when a branch the size of Envy's ego (which is pretty damn big) comes out of nowhere and smacks Greed in the face, knocking him off the roof.

"If he's dead, can I eat him?" Gluttony asked, hopeful.

"I told you not to eat roadkill!" Lust yelled.

"My brain is sad," Greed murmed, lying face down in the asphalt road.

"_You're _sad," Wrath said.

HOLE NUMBER SIX

"Have you ever had the feeling you're being watched?" Pride asked Wrath. Perfect sense of irony.

"Just this one time where this crazy guy with lots of eyes and mouths and was made of shadows was stalking me," he replied.

"Sounds like a cool guy."

He was right. They were being watched. By…. (insert creepy music here)

…the Elric Brothers!

"What are they doing?" Al asked Ed.

Ed stared at them. "I don't know," he whispered. "You think it has to do with the nation-wide transmutation circle?"

"I don't know," **SCAR **said.

"What are you doing here?" Ed freaked out.

"I hate them as much as you do. Plus, I have a summer home here."

**Sorry for the short-ness. School starts soon (nooooo!) so updates will be slower.**


	6. Chapter 6

"So while you're here, can you do that zappy thing with your hand?" Al asked.

"First:no. Second: zappy thing?" Scar questioned.

"Hey, you're already terrorist, so do your thing," Ed said with an anime sparkle.

"NO. N-O, N TO THE O!" Scar yelled.

"Good, you can spell 'no'," Ed said with another sparkle.

"Please! With sugar on top!" Al pleaded

"NO!" Scat screamed.

"Fooooooooorrrrreeeeeeeee!" Lust cried.

"Not again," Greed groaned ducking for cover.

Then the ball hit in the face.

The End.

NOT.

"Karma!" Ed said.

"Did you hear that?" Father asked.

"Yeah, it sounded like a runt," Envy said snickering.

"DON'T CALL ME A RUNT!" Ed yelled.

"Don't try to fight us. Your auto-mail might break and your girlfriend willl have to fix it again," Lust mocked.

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Ed screamed.

"Let's go big brother," Al suggested, dragging him away with Scar.

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I, EDWARD ELRIC WILL KICK YOUR ASSES!"

"Good-bye,Pipsqueak~," Envy said, waving good-bye.

"Give your girlfriend a kiss for me~," Lust mocked again.

"SHUT UP!" Ed yelled.

"Oh, looks like we got the little boy mad," Greed joined in.

"QUIT IT LING!"

"Still Greed."

"Good-bye person I can't eat," Gluttony said.

ENVY GETS TO DRIVE AGAIN. JOY

"This time, Envy, try NOT to kill us," Greed ordered.

Envy glared. "Fine, but if I see that runt again, I'm hitting him."

So, they're driving again, la la la la la, and they're singing again and Envy's being pissy, everything's normal…

..when the cart suddenly stops. You see, golf carts run on batteries, and they were out.

"Newbies go out and push," Wrath said. Now he was just making up rules.

"Why me? My host body is a prince, so, that makes ME royalty," Greed argued.

Wrath sighed. "Oh yeah, but I don't care."

After five minutes of Greed trying to push them, Lust had enough.

"For the love of Pete! Gluttony, go help them!" she screamed.

"Who's Pete? Someone we should know?" Wrath asked.

"SHUT UP!"

Another five minutes and Wrath did the

Most

Horrofying

Thing

EVER.

"Let's play I-Spy again!" He suggested.

"I'm gonna help the guys," Lust said, trying to save herself.

"Me too!" Envy said, the two leaving.

"Me three," Pride, but he was STILL strapped in his seat, so he had to play I-Spy. Pity Pride people, this is I-Spy we're talking about.

"I spy something-," Wrath started.

Pride rolled his eyes. "Tree."

"I spy-,"

"Tree."

"Okay smarty, I spy-,"

"Tree."

"No. Envy."

Lust snickered. "Well, he's a palm tree."

"Hey!" Envy yelled.

LATER

"Father, Lust has a new boyfriend named Pete," Wrath told Father.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Lust screamed.

"Can't die," Wrath said.


End file.
